So, the news has been a glut of teleprompter monkeys reading blurbs about studies and recent finds lately. Or at least those are the stories I see when i tune in to the “news” between the child abduction/GOP idiocy/unemployment/hate-mongering that seems to take up a majority of FOX 11′s time.
And frankly–those topics aside–the world can’t look much better from where i’m sittin!
Coffee can help prevent the onset of depression! Chocolate has been linked to stroke prevention! IQ test may not gauge Autistic kids correctly (meaning they are smarter than previously imagined–DUH!)! eating fruits and veggies can combat a predisposition on heart disease! (ok, that one’s not so much fun–and frankly doesn’t really feel like news, but still…SMOOTHIES!)
Well–this all sounds like the perfect world to me! Let me put down my caffe’ mocha and baby greens salad, while my son continues his experiments in Army men in Matchbox™ cars combating gravity, and look about to see what other scientific studies have proven that the world is, indeed, an awesome place to hang out and fart in…
1. There was a study published in Applied Animal Behaviour Science (in case you haven’t gotten your 3 copies yet in the mail) that shows that a 10 year old understands dogs better than adults. So maybe Lassie WAS telling us something, but as adults all we heard were barks and whines? Little Timmy seemed to know exactly which well someone had fallen down just by a woof or two…
2. Researchers have reconstructed the genome of the Black Death–and apparently this is important–links to the primal form of all viruses, blah blah blah. Yeah. It’s a good thing i didn’t pursue my interest in medicine, or I’d be rubber-stamping your feverish kids as FINE at the local Urgent Care center.
3.) Apparently, the longer you sit, the shorter your life will be. Digest that while i take a quick walk around the block…or maybe I’ll take the car.
4.) News flash to American Women--circumsized men have more difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings than uncircumsized men. So THAT’s it. Wait–Jewish men express their feelings ALL THE TIME. (at least the Woody Allen stereotypes do) Either that particular study might be flawed or Jewish mother’s everywhere have been countering centuries of biologic tendencies…
5. People who live near public transportationlive healthier, longer lives. Well, i do live on a direct line to Olvera street where Cadillac Margaritas just HAPPEN to be sold… But have they ever been BEHIND one of those buses? *cough* Thanks for the window-level exhaust pipe, Captain Carcinogen!
6.) High Fructose Corn Syrup contains Mercury. Poison. I’ve been sayin it. Stop eating it. ’nuff said.
7.) Pot’s good for you. Bro. Cuz of reasons and stuff…I forget.
8.) Apparently people with Autism aren’t concerned about their reputations. Or, as i like to think of it, are far more GENUINE and HONEST than all the FAKE people out there more concerned about what people THINK about them than to really help people. *ahem* Unlike the people who work for Fox News. Oh–did i say that out loud–and TYPE it for anyone with a BRAIN to see? Jerks.
9.) Drinking diet soda daily may increase your heart attack risk. So–for the record–more coffee and chocolate, no more corn syrup and diet soda. GOT IT?
10.) Lastly(ok, this one ain’t real recent, but work with me here)–it turns out laughter is indeed the best medicine for your heart. So hopefully this blog post has been a deterrent for any wayward myocardial infarctions coming your way…
(look it up!)
In the end, all these studies equal one thing in my mind: Anyone with good grant writing abilities can get the money to fund a study. So while i will continue my daily coffee/chocolate habit with a little less guilt, i may choose to take some of these other studies and relegate them to where i found them–below the fold.
But someone let me know when they fund a study that says blogging can only benefit your health and outlook on life. I know a few people who might wanna participate in that one… as long as coffee and chocolate are provided!