Ubiquitous “Back to School” post

In an effort to save time i’ve developed a “back to school blog post” template that you can just fill out in the future.

Today my [son/daughter/pet goat] will be starting [enter grade or prison term].

What a [joyful/sentimental/heartbreaking/fucking godsend of a ] moment!

Was it just last year that i thought [how young he is!/what a scholar he will be/when will i ever find time to wax/wow the new 3rd grade teacher is kinda hot].

So early this morning i [gently woke him with a gentle caress and loving words/ opened his door and shouted "Good Morning!"/ hauled his ass outta bed 5 minutes before we had to be at the bus stop] and prepared him for his day.

I packed him a [nutritious/carb loaded/ good god you FEED your kid THAT?] breakfast and sent him on his way with his [cheerful/ hopped up on Red Bull/bitter that this is where her career in deomlition derby has led her] bus driver.

At school he will be greeted by his [amazing teacher/bitter substitute/crazy-eyed bag lady] who will guide his day with [well prepared and interesting lessons/the same crap they did last year/ a rousing game of beer pong].

As he is in a special Ed classroom, there are also the aides [Patience McCaring/ Bitter McWhiney/Googly Eyes McWhere'smypills?] to help his teacher keep all these little [angels/ demon spawn] [in line/within the compound/from tearing up what's left of last year's decorations because school budgest are still being stretched too thin].

We’re all hoping for a [successful/undramatic/non-biting] year!

I plan to go to [every/a few/look, you're lucky i get the kid on the bus] meeting, open house and parent conference, and can’t wait to see my lil munchkin dressed up for the [school play/xmas pageant of torture/Lord, how many of these things do they have each year?].

After this year, he will be entering [the next grade level/the workforce/the 7th level of hell] and will hopefully look back on this year with [fondness/ sentimental anguish/without wanting to stab anyone, repeatedly].

 So good luck lil [man/lady/hellion]!

Make it the most [fantastic/awe inspiring/lets just not hurt anyone, k?] year possible!

(This is the last year of preschool for my kid, and as you can see, i am already jaded.  Next year, i will no doubt have a tearful, heartfelt post about my son entering kindergarten, and all the joys/fears that go with it.  Or i will use this template. AS my son is enrolled in LAUSD, which seems to start school later than EVERYONE in the WORLD, i ‘ll no doubt be the last in a line of back to school posts, and as such will not want to bore you with the same story you read weeks before from a much more talented, caring and sober blogger.

All i can say is HALLELUJAH!  3 whole hours to myself!  woot!)

Mama’s Losin’ It

Categories: Uncategorized | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “Ubiquitous “Back to School” post

  1. This is brilliant and worth a RT i think

  2. Yasmine Zapp

    #1 I want to take you for a cheap massage (not tasteless…cheap as in $20 YEAHHH)
    #2 Thank you for writing this. It was really hard at one point this morning. Monkey had a panic attack and I think he was the ONLY one in his class to have one. This made me laugh

    • Benji had one too. He’s been having some serious mama attachment lately, and they had to CARRY him into school. nice. Of course, it didn’t help that he was all psyched up for the BUS and then had to have mommy take him to school.

      and those other kids pick their boogers, so there. They’ll be having panic attacks soon enough…

  3. I don’t have kids, but this was hilarious!

  4. Greatest. Back to school post. Ever.

  5. Ooooooh, I’m filling the “pet goat” version out next year!!!

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