So i noticed on my stats that someone used “captain hater” as a search phrase and found…wait for it….ME! You’re shocked, I’m sure.
So, it’s hot. Some of you may have noticed this. The kind of hot that creates zones of “schweatiness” that cannot be fought with antiperspirants nor powder. The kind of heat that makes you look over your shoulder for Satan. And his minions. And, assuredly, the world’s warmest alcoholic lemonade stand.
And it’s on fire.
I am aware of this heat not only because of the uncomfortable silences only created by moments alone in an elevator with people who can only be described as “deodorant-challenged”, but also because my Old Man has begun his anti-heat-wave ranter rant. See, people around here have a tendency to bitch about the heat–which only sends him into apoplectic fits about the fact that we live in a HOT area, and it is normally this temperature EVERY AUGUST. No one else really gets to witness this Lewis Black inspired finger pointing festival. Just me. And a few of those minions.
But that ain’t what i’m hatin’ on. OR the heat. Or the people btichin about the heat. Or satan. Although the lack of alcoholic lemonade stands in my neighborhood is appalling.
No–this lil rant is for the IDIOTS who think that global warming, or climate change is not happening. You know–those asshats who will make the same comment in January that its colder than usual, so therefore Global warming must be a hoax.
The weather patterns for the past few years have been, frankly, intense. Now, none of my degrees are in the areas of science, or any kind of subject that involves using math in any capacity. But i have EYEBALLS and A BRAIN. And anyone with half of these can see that the weather is changing, and not for the better.
Is human action to blame? I believe it is part of it. I’m also a student of the humanities, enough to know that there is hardly ever a black and white answer for anything. Weather does change cyclically, but i firmly believe–and did believe long before Al Gore tried to convince me–that we humans and our consumption play a large part in this phenomenon.
I’m not gonna harp on the shit we can do–most of us already know it. If not, i’m sure there are MILLIONS of websites that could tell you. Or you could stop a hippie on the street. They’re usually full of information. And patchouli.
I just think it’s time that we stop this nonsense of debating whether or not it’s really happening. Its getting in the way of progress, and keeping people from doing those groovy suggestions the hippie told you. Face it, man. Satan is movin’ in next door, and he’s having a BBQ for ALL of us.
We really gotta quit dickin’ around here burnin’ fossil fuels like “docile fools.” Let’s just all agree that the beer we’re drinking is warm so that we start deciding between a fan and an air conditioner for us. And we’d best get moving before we all have to figure out how to get drunk on warm gravy.