Seriously–it’s like this town just LOOKS for a reason to act ridiculous.
It turns out, this weekend is Carmaggeddon. For construction reasons, or the whim of the traffic gods, the 405 will be shut down between the 10 and the 101. That’s a big stretch on on of the busiest interchanges in the country.
Yes. This will cause some traffic issues. Yes, one might expect delays. But–and call me crazy here–i don’t see how this will be the end of the world as we know it. Hell, the LA marathon is a bigger nightmare.
Ok, i’m jaded. I can count on one had the number of times i’ve driven on the 405 WITHOUT being stuck in traffic. I mean, moments where we have to remark: “i dont’ think ive ever driven this fast on the 405 before.” I mean, when i get directions to a place, and it tells me to get on the 405, i go OUT OF MY WAY to find an alternate route. The only thing that will willingly put me on the 405 is a trip to the airport–and even that i try to get a car or shuttle for.
But people here are talking of hunkering down and no going more than a mile from their house this weekend. to which i say GOOD! it might be nice for a change to not have to deal with all your crazy fucks on the road.
You see, i view this not as carmaggeddon, but rather KARMAggeddon. That’s right. This weekend is for all you shitty drivers who don’t use turn signals, tailgate, steal parking spots and generally act like you own the fucking road. This is for all the dumb people who choose to do the follwoing actitivies while they drive:
- talk on the phone or texting
- put on mascara or any eye make-up
- eat pizza
- dancing to “Days Go By” by Dirty Vegas
- giving or recieving oral (or other) sex
- singing off key
- listen to Justin Beiber
- checking their hairdo or adding hairspray (you hear that SOuthern Hair?)
- Picking up ugly hookers
- Giving good samaritan rides (ala Eddie Murphy)
- ignoring homeless folk
- diapering your six year old
- Forcibly smoking crack with Wayne Brady
- making belgian waffles (seriously–are you not aware of the obesity problem in this coutnry?)
To all of you i give a resounding Eat It! and while you are hunkered down afraid that the zombies/communists/Black Panther party is taking over, I’m going to enjoy a quiet weekend, using mass transit and laughing at all you stupid fucks on the road.