I detest nearly all foods in the genus Brassiceae. For the non-science geeks, that is anything in the cabbage family. Cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli–anything that will stink up the ENTIRE HOUSE if you cook it. I see no reason to ever have to ingest them. EVER.
My true nemesis? Saurkraut. The demon spawn of all cabbage dishes. The bane of my existence. The very trigger of homicidal tendencies.
Now, i know what you’re thinking–how can a girl of such obvious German stock (blonde, blue eyed, fairly translucent skin–eat it Hitler) hate saurkraut? Easy. There, see? That’s how.
Now, I was a picky eater as a child. But my mother in all her wisdom taught me to at least TRY everything. “One bite” was the mantra. So i’ve tried alot of things with or without “the face.” Hell, she was able to feed me chicken livers (which i will not touch now) as long as there was lots of mushrooms and noodles. But I will not touch cabbage. Especially stinky fermented cabbage.
My husband (before he was my husband) once tried to bring in a plate of brats and saurkraut into the bedroom to watch tv–the same bedroom where i was laying in bed, peacefully reading. I accused him of trying to break up with me, and told him it was a dick move to do it with cabbage.
He removed himself and the stinky offal to another room, and to this day has not eaten the foul substance in my presence, lest i pack my bags.
Now, i’m a grown up. I know i have to eat my vegetables. I will tolerate some raw red cabbage in my salad. I will eat broccoli–eat it, not love it. I know it’s great for joints and other aging issues that will no doubt plague me soon enough. But there are pills with the same great stuff. Oh crap, i hate pills too. DAMMIT!
I don’t care. I will find another alternative. I will not eat it. You can’t make me.
And honestly–NO ONE wants to be on the receiving end of the gasses that are created when i eat cabbage. Not even the dog.
And to all of you who want to share and tell me i just haven’t eaten the right coleslaw/rustic cabbage soup or even saurkraut, just stop right now. I don’t care about your recipes or testimonials. Yes–i ate it once–at a french restaurant covered with butter and cream and whatever else the French use to make detestable food actually edible. I didn’t know it was saurkraut until i took a bite, and wondered for the briefest moment how it was that i was able to ingest it without invoking that nasty scene from The Life of Brian. In fact my now husband holds that fact over my head whenever he can. But that doesn’t mean i like cabbage–it means i like butter. Two VERY different topics.
I realize its a fantastic economy food–and lord knows i love to stretch my food budget dollar to squeeze every ounce of life out of it. And my CSA gives us a head of cabbage damn near every week. It’s like some sort of hippie torture society. Cabbage, chard and mustard greens. Seriously–do you want me to stink up the entirety of Studio City?
I realize that to some, i am not modeling the correct behavior for my intensely picky child. But the kid won’t touch anything other than PB&J & noodles. So i think i’ve got a greater battle on my hands than trying to get him to eat cabbage.
So, you’ll pardon me if i pass on the coleslaw. And if you put saurkraut anywhere near my person, i will cut you. I think the law’s on my side.